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October 2020: Maybe, Some Answers

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Days Sick: 0
Days Danced: 0
October was…. anxiety-inducing. Personal ups & downs, potential answers, and a final feeling of chill definitely permeated the month. Also, I cooked a TON & “discovered” oat milk!

Eliminating Toxic Relationships

At the beginning of October, I got the likely source of my copper toxicity out of my body. The next day I started on a liver support supplement, along with magnesium & a couple of other gastro-supporting herbs. My skin got worse within the week, and some of my anxiety started bouncing back, but I felt like I was in a good place by the end of the month.

Day to day, it’s hard to predict what the next few hours will look like, much less the rest of your week, so it’s a real force of wills not to let stomach pain or intense feelings of worthlessness or sadness get to you. If this whole phase of my life really is due to copper toxicity, and another year of pain will get me back to being the happy & hopeful person I was the first two years of my twenties, then I’m more than willing to go through some more of it.

It’s not like my future didn’t look just as bleak before the copper toxic proposition came to my attention. It’s felt like a Sisyphean task most weeks to just get by, but it’s just so difficult to try and keep this to yourself while dating. It feels unfair to put on someone else, especially someone you really really like, but most other anchor points in your life have drifted away, it’s hard not to be looking for that permanent anchor.

I had some acute gastro symptoms the day after I had some Venezuelan food, and it was just a reminder that now that I’ve given up on my low-histamine diet, I’m bound to run into non-copper issues. Or maybe they are related; honestly, it’s hard to really feel like I know anything, these days.

But when I’m feeling frustrated and hopeless like this, I’ve been doing my best to re-center myself and remember to take it one day at a time. What’s on my must-do list for today? How can I find meditative and happy energy in small things I can be productive doing (without feeling like I’m working), like cooking or tidying up? 

Maybe, Some Answers

I realize that everyone anguishes over things during their lives. This is hopefully some of my worst anguish, until I lose any loved ones. But some days are SO hard. It helps to read about other people’s experiences, their strength, how they’ve gotten through situations and diagnoses that feel so bleak in the moment, and finding my own strength in their words.

I’ve found some new favorite blogs. I’m slowly building up a portfolio for the future. I’m working on a new relationship I’m hoping to grow into something amazing and strong and lasting. But like in all things, there are bumps. A small client project I’ve been working on has also necessitated a lot more energy this month than I was expecting to spend on it, so that’s also been raising my stress levels.

Anxiety hits me hard in some moments, and it seems to be making me a bit paranoid until it passes. Some days I just want to bang my head against the wall because all foods seem to make me sick & some days my ack hurts so much. But then I remember all the good people and things in my life, center myself, and get back to work. TBH, consistent doses of CBD + microdoses of THC have made all the difference over the last two weeks of October… Oh yeah, I officially got my MM License, too.

So let hope November is better than October, and 2021 is better than 2020 has been.

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